Chapter 10

 

CHAPTER 10

     It’s easy to praise God when things are going well: at those times when everything is fine and the pieces are all falling into all the right places in our lives. Those are the best of times in our eyes, and God always gets the glory for them, at least among believers. It’s when the trials and unwelcome changes come that we realize how strong our faith is. It’s then that we will find if we’ll sing the same praises; if our faith is as strong as when all we’re at the highest points of life. There’s a truth we may not be ready to accept: it’s that each of us will inevitably experience hardship. Surely some folks will experience more than others, but none of us escape it. When those times come, how will we handle the hardship and testing? We all want to believe that our faith is strong and we can stand up to anything with God backing us, but if we’re willing, we will understand that it’s He who is leading us through it all. We are not that strong in ourselves. Stay faithful, and you’ll see our Father is doing more than giving our situation a quick look from afar. More than ever, we see how He moves in comforting us. The believer belongs to God and He’s taking an active interest in His own and walking with us – even carrying us – through our darkest times.

     I remember a series of sermons that Pastor Hickernell preached about the trials should not cause a Christian to become bitter, but instead, make them better. He once told me of a woman in his former church that also has MS. He said that every morning before leaving for work, she had her husband sit her in the position so she could read her Bible comfortably. She read every day without fail, using her tongue to turn the pages because she had limited use of her limbs. The Bible became so thick with saliva that her husband would often buy her replacements. That’s the dedicated type of Christian that I want to be and what we should all want to be, one who hides God’s Word in their heart. Am I, or are we willing to face similar hardships to see if we’ve reached that goal? I don’t know about you, but I believe my hand would hesitate to raise if asked. I know how strong I want to be in the faith, but I’m not about to say I’ve gotten there. Seeing the examples of others, I know that I can do better with my studies and in my prayer life. A guest preacher who knew that same lady had also told me of her incredible faith. She had the type of testimony that people learn about, even if they never personally meet them.

     Although I’ve had recurring physical trials, none of them were as nearly as troublesome as that woman and others have dealt with. Although I’ve been through many personal battles, I was still able to work. Even after my surgery, I returned to do my job and did my best to keep on doing everything without fail. I had to make one adjustment: my neurologist did suggest using a cane because my balance was worsening. So I used the cane. Better that than to fall or to be confined or limited in other ways.

     Things started to become more difficult after the second surgery. It wasn’t because the operation was a failure. The primary goal was to relieve the pressure from the spinal cord, and that’s what was done. My surgeon told me that relieving the pain could be an added benefit, but there could be no promises. As it happened, I did have immediate relief, but it returned with a vengeance not long afterward. I had returned to work, and everyday things soon became more difficult.

     After a few calls to the surgeon’s office, his nurse had told me to call the hospital pain center for an appointment and she would handle the referral. Because they’re working with narcotics, there must be documented evidence of pain before you’re prescribed any medication. By the time my appointment date arrived, the pain was radiating from my neck down to my left arm and into my hand. When I was asked to rate it by number – from one to ten, the higher number being most severe – I had reached an eight. The doctor prescribed morphine to relieve the pain. Thankfully, it didn’t affect my driving. Like with the Interferon, I started taking it during the weekend to be sure of that. I wasn’t going to hurt someone on the highway.

     Some people have said that narcotics aren’t necessary when medications like NSAIDs are non-addictive and cost less. That sounds good when you don’t need them, but no one can begin to understand what extreme pain is until they experience it themselves.

     Experience has already shown me how I would feel without pain medication. There was one evening when I had accidentally missed my prescribed dose. As the hours passed, I couldn’t understand why my pain was dramatically increasing. It felt as if my neck and arm were being ripped from my torso. About that pain scale? If it were mechanical, the needle would be stuck at the maximum point with the glass broken. Pain is a subjective thing, and many feel its intensity differently. I don’t know who I felt worse for, me feeling the agony or Patty witnessing what I was enduring. She watched helplessly as my body and face contorted in unusual ways while I was making indescribable sounds. It couldn’t have been easy for her to see. I later understood why my pain had increased so much when I found my pill sitting on the table. It was then that I realized that I had accidentally dropped it, possibly falling through my fingers while I was taking it with other medications. It’s an error that I won’t soon make again.

     Even with medication, there can still be existing pain. When I told my doctor that at times it was difficult with powerful drugs, he told me, “Patients were given the wrong idea when told they were being prescribed painkillers. We’ve learned to reduce pain, but not eliminate it.” That’s something I would need to keep in mind as my illness progressed and my body became deconditioned. My pain would indeed increase and become more difficult even with a higher dosage. Another question posed to him was what would happen if a patient reached the maximum dosage. He mentioned a “vacation” from the medication, stating that their prescription would be ended for a time, then started at the lowest dose. I didn’t want to know anymore, not wanting to think about being without relief and possibly dealing with withdrawal from the opiates.

     The area where the surgery on my neck was done is around where the lesions from MS on my spinal cord are located, with a few more found on my brain. Two different doctors showed me how the lesions appear on MRI images. Highlighted by gadolinium contrast, they look like bright white glowing dots of varying sizes. Multiple Sclerosis is by simple definition said to be “many scars”. The immune system attacks the myelin sheath or the insulation around the axons of the spinal cord, brain, and optic nerves. Think of an electrical wire with damaged insulation. The nerve axon is represented by the copper wire. When the myelin is damaged, the axon becomes permanently scarred in numerous places and interrupts the flow of signals from the brain to other parts of the body. It’s just like a damaged wire that can short-circuit or limit the flow of electricity. Different people with MS have diverse symptoms; some are minor, some more severe. Some with the disease have minimal or no physical problems. Others are at a stage where it’s more devastating and can no longer walk, have difficulty with their arms and hands, swallowing, toileting functions, and in some cases have been blinded. It is a complex disease, even after many years of scientists and doctors studying it.

     Getting back to the office, by this time, I had another new manager. Both the other Brian and I were introduced to Harry by way of an email that he sent the previous night. He told us that he would be overseeing our work, but because of our reputation didn’t see the need to be in constant contact with us. He directed us to pick up the phone or send an email if we needed to reach him; otherwise, we should go about our business and he would leave us alone. Later on, we had videoconferenced meetings weekly with Harry and the others in the Operations group at Bellevue. Those meetings helped us to work together on problems that we found difficult to take on ourselves. Someone in our group or Development might have an idea that could provide the solution, and we had an opportunity to see our colleagues on the West Coast each week too.

     As things became more of a problem, I did something that I had not done in a long time: I told people that I worked with about my health. Harry was the first person that I spoke with. He said he was surprised considering that I gave no indication or sought any type of accommodation as allowed by the Americans with Disabilities Act. Sometime later, I informed Marc, our Chief Technology Officer. I had a good rapport with and a lot of respect for both men, and I felt comfortable with what could have been a career-changing disclosure.  Along the way, I told a couple of friends at the office. This is something I never planned to do, later learning the National Multiple Sclerosis Society suggests using caution in disclosing a diagnosis at work. I felt that each would appreciate knowing rather than finding out and knowing I was hiding it if things turned for the worse. All of them understood and were supportive, just like the others at my former place of employment. A member of Marc’s family is a doctor at a local university hospital. He called him and asked for the recommendation of an MS specialist. I already had a neurologist who took good care of me, but I appreciated his efforts and filed his contact info for future needs. Harry told me that I was doing well despite my illness, but told me to call if I needed a hand or just wanted to talk. So for the first time since I had been diagnosed and told the others back at ACS, the news was out there. It wasn’t something you could see, many with MS and other chronic illnesses often hear the words “but you look so good.” Some folks bristle at the words. They know how they feel and may become upset that someone might challenge that through a simple compliment. You can’t force someone to see what’s not visible.  In my case, I’d rather look good than ill and accept the compliment. No one needs to see how I feel, nor can they. None of us who are feeling bad should be walking around purposely looking to gain sympathy. That's doubly true for believers. If you believe Jesus is walking with you, and you are with Him, there’s no need to seek attention from others.

     Friends at church kept praying, which gave me more hope than anything that could come from science. I like to believe that folks are sincere when they utter those four simple words – “I’m praying for you.” Those words carry a lot of weight. A Christian believer should never tell someone that they’re praying if they’re not going to do it. That’s failing people who are relying on you. It’s shameful to be careless when praying for someone when that person has a need. I know enough about this because there were times when I said I would pray for someone and then failed them. Now I keep a list on my phone to prevent that. Commitment to praying for someone must be taken seriously. It’s bad enough to fail others, but we’re ultimately doing wrong before God if we neglect prayer or pray foolishly.   

     I have seen where prayer changes things. And I understand that the guidance in 1 Thessalonians 5:17, “Pray without ceasing” doesn’t mean praying 24/7, but praying whenever possible.  Praying in faith is important. Something that keeps me guessing is when someone asks for prayer, good vibrations, or positive thoughts when they have a critical need, especially when that person says they trust Jesus. It’s good to think positively, but it won’t change things as prayer can. Good vibrations are nothing more than a thought. It’s a prayer that can powerfully change things, and I believe it’s the care of those who have been praying that has kept me going, especially in the last decade.

     In October 2005, prayer became part of another important decision. Despite my wanting to believe I could manage the physical problems,  I had to accept that they were more of a struggle than I could handle. I had fought through things for a while, but it was time to face the truth and see that leaving work was in my best interest. Disability had become an unwanted reality. It was a crucial decision and I would be a fool if I didn’t seek the Lord’s guidance. Patty and I prayed about it, and others too. As time went by, we knew what God’s answer was. I didn’t want to leave work. I enjoyed the interaction and the challenges that came with each day; no longer doing those things would leave a void in my life. But being realistic, the pain was coming on harder, my judgment was becoming more sketchy, and I was making mistakes doing things that I had done plenty of times without error.

     Some of those things could cause major problems for our company and our customers. I remember doing something routine that caused me to realize my disease was affecting my thinking. I was changing a single law firm’s users’ settings to comply with their new contract. It was an everyday task and it should have taken a few minutes. That simple change ended up turning off nationwide access for every one of our customers for one of the features of our service. It was a very important part of our company’s product, and users were no longer able to see the notifications of the court cases that they were following. That’s not a good thing for law firms that were keeping watch on specific proceedings. Within minutes, customers from coast to coast were flooding the Customer Service phone lines, concerned that they couldn’t get the court information they needed. Then my phone began ringing repeatedly, and after a few calls, I knew that I was the one who brought everyone’s service down. This occurred on a Friday afternoon near the end of the day. Thankfully, Bellevue, WA is on Pacific Time, three hours behind us. Had the database administrator been in our office in King of Prussia and left for the weekend, we would have been in a world of hurt. Cory, our database administrator was awesome and very understanding. She had restored the database from recent backups and we were operational in less than an hour. Both she and Harry made it seem like it could happen to anyone. In reality, it shouldn’t have happened at all. If it was a one-time error I would have forgotten about it. The problem was things like this were more often becoming part of my workday.

     I’d blow it off if it were just a single mistake, but there was more. I started to miss details in discount contracts that caused users to be billed at normal rates. That would force one of our programmers to rerun the billing cycle. There were a few other missteps. I was concerned about my performance for the first time since I was the new guy at ACS.

     One Friday soon afterward, it was time to give the bosses the news that I was finished. It was time to accept disability. That was a gut-wrenching decision to make. Had I not prayed about it, I may have been angry and upset with myself, wondering if I was just having a short bad run of errors. Even my neurologist asked me why I had taken so long to go out. I had seen him the day before my announcement and had discussed it with him and Patty. He kept assuring me that it was the right thing to do, but I was the one who would see my life change dramatically. He repeatedly used the word permanently as we discussed my disability status. I hoped, prayed, and believed that God could make a way for me to return after some rest, but that was not to be. I know the Lord didn’t let me down. He had different plans for my life than I did. It wasn’t the way that I wanted things to go, but when we pray, we ask for God’s will to be done, not ours. I had to accept this decision as being His will.

     I worked all morning that day, doing my best to keep it together. I kept pushing my announcement off. Near noon, I knew there was no more hesitating. I went down to the parking lot and sat in my car for privacy and gave Harry a call. I don’t think that I had gotten through the first sentence of our conversation before being overcome with emotions when I got the words out that I was leaving. I could hear the tones of sympathy and sadness in Harry’s voice. He did what he could to try to encourage and console me, and suggested I take the rest of the day off, but I couldn’t do that. I still had to tell the top people at our office, and I was covering for my cube neighbor doing the daily court processing. Harry wished me well as I ended our call. Now I had to tell Marc and Eric. They were at the highest up in management in the King of Prussia office and were both well-respected because of how they listened to and worked with everyone. Marc’s office was right across from my cube. I could hear both him and Eric talking.

     Dragging my feet was no longer an option, they had to be told of my future, or at least me no longer having a future there. They were about to head out when I asked them for a few minutes. As we stepped back into Marc’s office, I broke down again, struggling to get the words out. Being upset, he thought I was being let go and was coming to say goodbye. Fighting emotion, I got the words out once more. As I explained the situation, Marc said it was terrible news, and that my leaving would greatly change how things were done in the office. He asked me when I planned to tell everyone. That wasn’t something I thought about, but I should have being sharing the news of changes was common and open.We all agreed that I should do it early the next week, and I scheduled a half-hour reservation for the conference room for the announcement.

     That day came and we all gathered together. I don’t think I was very clear at first, as someone asked where I was going from there as if I were moving on to another employer. It was then I stressed that disability was forcing the change. Thankfully the grief was passed and I was well-composed. I never mentioned the cause of my disability. Some co-workers may have thought that this was due to my continued cervical spine problems, which was a part of it, but not the main part. Everyone gave their best wishes and we went back to work. I still had two more things to do. The first was to contact everyone that I normally worked with around the country. One thing that made it easy was being able to send an email to specific groups so everyone in that group got the same message. Notifying the folks in Sales was quick and painless. I hated to do it by email, but calling everyone would take more time than I had available. I used the phone for calling those who I had built strong relationships with. I had become friendly with many people over those past few years. How would they respond? It didn’t take long to find out. A few minutes afterward my email blast, my phone started ringing, and the calls kept coming through much of that afternoon. My inbox was flooded with replies of sadness and encouragement. It was comforting to receive the outpouring of support. I realized just how much I would miss everyone. I thought I enjoyed working at Automated Catalogue. I was blessed to be able to repeat the experience of working with amazing people.

          My last notification was to the head law librarian at a law firm in the South, a woman I’ll name Virginia for business privacy. We had a unique working relationship, and I had to inform her that it was coming to an end. Their firm was a longtime customer from the days when we were named MarketSpan. Less than a year before leaving, I got a phone call from her lawfirm's sales associate at our company. He asked if I would agree to do the first-tier support for their firm, with their librarians calling me directly for help. I explained that I didn’t do first-level support anymore and that it was handled by a specific group. It’s not that I didn’t want to do it, but that I would be upsetting the flow of how things worked when they did need assistance. The rep told me that I had to say yes; she said that the firm wouldn’t sign a flat-rate contract unless I would be their main support contact. That decision wasn’t mine to make. I had to call Harry to explain, and he had to work with the customer support manager in Ohio and the sales associate to get an agreement that they were all okay with this. Surprisingly, everyone agreed, and for the first time, we provided a law firm with dedicated support. I was humbled as it that they thought that much of my service to them, but it was a huge request. They were one of our biggest customers, so our company may not have had the luxury of saying no. Virginia was a great customer to work with. She expected results from us, but she was never pushy if you didn’t have an immediate answer. She did expect one within a reasonable time. That’s what anyone should anticipate. She and her firm were pleasant to work with, but so were most of them. In my five-plus years here, I may have encountered two difficult customers. That was a pleasure all its own.

     I called her with the bad news. She was somewhere between      saddened and disappointed. Virginia wished me well and said if I was ever was down her way, to stop in for a visit as she would love to finally meet in person. The feeling was mutual. She was one of two customers who asked me to come to work for them. The other was in New York City. I appreciated the offers, but I was no law librarian, and what they didn’t know was that I didn’t have a law degree or legal experience. Could I have done it? I’d have to know more about the position, feel confident about it, and most importantly, pray about it. I was happy in my current role, so appreciating the offer was about as far as I would take it.

     So that was it. I was done notifying everyone. Now I had almost two weeks to bring the people who would assume my duties up to speed with my responsibilities. There was a lot of ground to cover, but we got through it. Very capable people were now trained to do the things that I would put behind me.

     My last day came late in October 2005. I worked for half of the day. No one would let me work any further after that. I spent most of the afternoon talking with various people and then I called Harry. He said that if I took anything with me about my experience there, it should be that I was the only person in Operations who answered to four different department managers and did it  well. They were in Sales, Software Development, and Product Development, and him, my manager in Ops. He told me that he saw it as quite an achievement and that I should too. He wished me well and said he would stay in touch. Less than an hour after we spoke, I would leave the building for the last time as an employee.

     When zero-hour came, we all left the office for a farewell dinner. We arrived at the Fox & Hound and everyone chatted while we waited to be seated. Suddenly, the hostess and staff told us that we would have to leave the restaurant quickly. Our upcoming dinner was interrupted by a kitchen fire. The blaze was small, but they couldn’t reopen the kitchen until the health department arrived and certified the kitchen as being sanitary. The hostess told us that it could take hours. We all agreed to head to Bahamas Breeze and drove the short distance across the mall.

     The friends and associates that I had worked with for almost six years gave me a fine send-off. Just about everyone from the King of Prussia office attended. We had a nice time together on that final afternoon. Before it all ended, three fine gifts were given to me. The first two were a new computer and an all-in-one printer. I realized then why Marc had asked me earlier in the week about my current home computer. Everyone contributed and purchased a new one for me since my current PC was inadequate for use with some applications. It wasn’t only those at our office that contributed. Many that I worked with at other locations did too.

     The second gift was personal and would ensure that I remembered everyone. It was a photo album with pictures of everyone and a personal quote from each of them. There was also some office and product history to help me remember my time there. I still view that album years later. Jon Georgopulos was the talent behind putting that together. We both started at MarketSpan on the same day and became friendly. I didn’t realize why, but a couple of days after I announced my departure, Jon was taking photos of everyone in their cube or office. I figured that since he did the graphics and design work; it might be for something in-house. The only picture that I didn’t get was one that we took gathered on and around the fire truck that responded to Fox & Hound. It would have been an awesome final shot.

     Then it came time to say goodbye to everyone. It was sad to depart with fine people, but nothing lasts forever. I was invited out to lunch a couple of times and to the annual holiday get-togethers, but that would be the end of seeing everyone each day. So was the end of my career. Retiring at forty-three was not natural. It was not for me.

     Now would come a new phase in life. One of the huge things that helped me keep my sanity was the church. Then came a sad announcement, around that same time that I became officially disabled. Pastor Hickernell informed the deacons that he was retiring as the church’s pastor. He and his wife Janice would be moving down South. They would both be missed and their departure would mean another change for the church.

     Leaving work at that age was never in my game plan. I always saw myself working into my sixties and then retiring to a relaxing hobby and traveling with my wife. So much for plans. What would amount to such things would later be juggling appointments.

     I praise God for His mercy, grace, and guidance. Without those things, I believe that I would have fallen into despair by now. I wasn’t feeling upbeat at the time, but I knew I could always lean on him. In some ways, I felt like I was losing my sense of purpose to where I wasn’t making much of a difference anymore. All the things I loved doing seemed to be going away. That’s a lot to deal with, and I would now have to do just that.